Speaking Non-Judgementally

Not engaging with the critical, fearful voice in the head, begins with knowing when it is speaking through us (and driving our actions).

As well as paying attention to how we feel (which is an easy way of alerting us to a false idea we are engaging with), we can pay attention to the language we use.

Next time you notice yourself using a phrase below, consider swapping it for an alternative — and see if the alternative “aligns” more accurately with your experience. Alex and I also fancy that changing how we speak can change how we think.

I should not have done that — That action came from fear / ego

They are a bad person — They were believing the critical voice in the mind again

You made me upset — The way I am understanding this situation is causing this upset

I made them angry — The way they are understanding this situation is causing their anger

I could have said that better — The communication was not as skillful as it might have been

I want — I would love to experience

I can’t do / don’t have that — I would love to experience that

I’m not good enough at this — I would love to hone my skills in this area

I wish I wasn’t sad — A heaviness in the heart / chest area is present accompanied by judgemental thoughts (when you’re experiencing an emotion reaction, try using the Self-Reflection Tool)

It’s better to / it’s best to — One thing I’ve found to be effective is to

Good job, well done, I’m proud of you — Explore your experience or ask another about theirs

That’s terrible / amazing / unprofessional / rude etc — Explore your experience or ask another about theirs

If any phrase-swaps come to mind that you imagine might be helpful to include in the list below, please send me an email. I’d love to add to the list.

As well as paying attention to words used, pay attention to the energy sponsoring thoughts and words. As with all things, it is the intention / energy that is felt.

If the “sender” of a communication is thinking or feeling one thing, while saying or doing something that misaligns with that, then the “sender” is not communicating congruently. The “receiver”, if sensitive, will sense that something is “off”. In this instance, if the situation is appropriate and the “receiver” senses that greater harmony will arise from enquiring, they can ask the “sender” what they are really experiencing. It’s notable how one question asked lovingly can facilitate reflection and contemplation.